The Philippine Online Chronicles

One of the things that often cause friction between two people in a relationship is the way one would relate to the family of the other. It is normal to feel alienated, especially in the onset of the relationship since you still need to get to know each member of your partner’s family. The reaction of the family is not the same. Some would be welcoming, some would be indifferent and ignore you, while a few would be openly hostile. There are those who are lucky enough to be welcomed with open arms while some would spend a lifetime trying to get in the family’s good side.

More so if you are in a homosexual relationship. Homosexual relationships are not seen as permanent. No contract or ceremony that legally binds you to the family. Some would just see you as someone whose presence needs to be tolerated but not really someone who will be there for life so no serious efforts to form bonds happen.  It’s bad enough that the family see your relationship as inappropriate, worse if they see that there is a possibility of you taking their daughter or their sister away.

In our society, lesbians are seen as someone who will never leave the family coop. Lesbians are seen as the perennial child who will never have a family of her own, the sibling who will help in sending the younger ones to school, the aunt who will help out with the nieces and nephews and the default person to take care of the aging parents. It is as if the lesbian is not entitled to a life of her own.

While heterosexual children are seen as admirable when they leave home and start their own family, a lesbian who decides to do the same is seen as a selfish ingrate who does not think about any one but herself. It is no wonder that the lesbians who have left home rarely come back with their partners during the holidays, choosing to be with their friends and lovers instead. Although there are a few who are lucky to be accepted, more lesbians are ostracized because of their choice to live on their own.

Another reason for the lesbian to forego going home during the holidays is the unsaid rule that she is welcome but her lover is not. Some may tolerate the presence of their daughter’s partner but most would prefer to have their daughter on her own when she, if ever she, comes home for the holidays.

It is not therefore surprising that some lesbians choose to distance themselves from their partner’s family. It’s a no win situation really. You can not get in between her and her family and only time will prove to them that you are in it for life and not someone who would eventually leave.

With Christmas coming, I was looking forward to spending the Christmas with my special someone and her family. It was my first Christmas away from my parents and what better way to celebrate it than with the family of the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was excited. This will be a totally different experience. I will get to spend Christmas with a different family.

Or so I thought.

Everything was going smoothly at first. I was getting along with everyone in the family. I was present in several family gatherings. I come over on weekends and even went on a vacation with them.  But somehow, everything started falling apart.

I didn’t mind it at first.  Slowly, I felt them distancing themselves; the greeting was not as warm as before. It even came to a point where it was as if they did not see me. Like any person, I don’t like being ignored and it bothered me. Hoping that maybe I was just overreacting, I told her about the cold welcome I was getting, and she said that she felt it too.

Not wanting to put her on the spot, I tried all I can to avoid trouble but she saw it as my being negative towards her family. In all honesty, I do not know how it ever came to this. Maybe they see me as some one who is out to take their sister away, someone who has monopolized their sister’s time or maybe, they think I am just like the ones before who would eventually leave so there was no point in investing time and effort to be close to me. Whatever the reason is, I feel alienated more and more.

Maybe it’s a defense mechanism on my part but when someone treats me coldly, my initial reaction would be to distance myself, but in this case, I try to be civil and pleasant to her family despite the icy treatment.  I never want to cause any friction with her family. I love her too much to put her through that.

I could buy my way into their hearts, someone once suggested but I am not used to buying my way into the hearts of people and I don’t think they are like that either. It was never my habit or practice to shower and smother people with presents just so that they would like me. My mom always said that the people worth going after won’t be swayed with gifts and well, people who can be swayed with gifts are not really worth the trouble. That leaves me with no choice but to wait it out and hope that the situation thaws and they will again be warm with me.

I know someday I will get to celebrate Christmas with my loved one and her family. It won’t be this Christmas but maybe next year or the year after that. I will not give up.  I have my whole life to prove to her family that I love her and despite the lack of legal binding, I will be there for her for life.