The Philippine Online Chronicles

How do you explain a broken relationship to a kid? How can you explain to a four-year old that you will no longer be around? How can you make her understand that things are not the way they were? As I go through the motions of extricating myself from the family I have created, I find myself at a loss on how to explain to a kid, whom I have come to love as my own, why I had to stay away, and why we can’t see each other as often as before.

Since I first held her in my arms, I have readied myself for the question that would inevitably be asked when she comes of age. I was prepared to answer her if she ever asked why she had two moms but despite all my preparations, I never prepared myself for the eventuality that I had to explain to my kid why I will no longer be around.  Back then, I loved her mom so much that I never thought I will ever see the day that I had to go away. But I was wrong.

I know she will never understand and I know she will always look for me but this is something I need to do. I need to find myself again. I need to, before I lose myself forever. This is the letter I wrote for her.

Dear Baby,

I know I haven’t been around lately. I never meant to miss your first day of school. I know I said I will always be there for you but right now, I need to be alone.

I wish I could have seen you when you first wore your school uniform. I wish I could have been there when you got your first star. But circumstances are not as they should be. If they were, you would be here with me.

It is funny how things turned out, I never knew I could miss you this bad… I never thought I had to.

We’ve only seen each other once these past several months and I really miss you, but I need to stay away. It will never work between me and your mom and I need a little space to get over my feelings so your mom and I can be friends again, so I can be with you again.

I know that I made you a promise that I will always be around and it may seem that I am breaking that promise right now but try to understand me. I need to be away for a while so I can be there for you someday.

How it broke my heart when I saw you last week and you asked me accusingly where I have been all of this time. I didn’t know what to say, I just smiled and scooped you up. I held you tight in my arms, hugging you and wishing that you could feel the longing I have felt for you all these months. With that single hug, I wanted you to feel all the love I have in my heart for you. How I wanted never to let go. You were there, everything was perfect. Everything was as it should be.

But that was just an illusion. Looking into you mom’s eyes, I knew things will never be the same again. We are not the same people we were before. The love between us no longer exists. It’s time to let go.

I wish I could explain to you. I wish you’d understand.  You and your mom have been my life these past few years and letting both of you go is hard. But someday, my baby, you will learn that there are things that you need to do even if it hurts.

I could go on and be there for you but I had to go while there was still some love left in my heart for your mom. It is better this way. Had I stayed, time will come when all we would feel for each other is hate and indifference.

Someday, you and your mom will have a new family and maybe I will have mine too. No matter what happens, you will always be my baby and nothing will ever change that. Someday when things are better, after the hurt is gone, we will again see each other. Someday, my baby, I promise you, someday.

Until then, know that I will always love you and that I will always be thinking of you. Every kid I will see will remind me of you, and every morning will be one morning closer to the day I will see you again.

You will always be here with me, in my heart, and in my mind.

It’s been several months since I decided to stay away. The first few days were the worst. I had to get used to waking up without the two most important people in my life beside me. I had to get used to going home to an empty house, a house never to be brightened by my kid’s laughter again.

Those few moments we had last week made things even harder for me but I wanted to see her one last time before I finally say goodbye. Getting over someone is hard enough, trying to pick up the pieces after living a dream is harder. Not only do I need to get over my girlfriend, but I have to get used to the idea of not seeing my kid everyday.

Through it all, I know that I live my life one day at a time, try to forget about the dreams we had and hold on to that sliver of hope that things will be better someday.