The Philippine Online Chronicles

We met at the time that was right for me.  I was in the stage where I was with one girl after another not really looking for that someone that would make me stay and love me the way I’d love to be loved.  It was the time of recklessness, of youth and of being carefree.  It was living for the moment as I am told now, how our life should be lived.  That was when drama was unheard of and passion was the fashion.

It all changed when I suddenly became aware that there was a YOU – someone I did not know existed.  As if by chance in this life of complications you were the most complicated of all.  Nobody knew, not even the heavens that our paths would cross and I wanted more than the friendship you were offering… the friendship that we have.

Like the way I have told you, I had a choice.  I did not grab that opportunity and did not risk a friendship.  I was such a coward when you look at it today.  For the first time in my life, I did not take the road to adventure.  It was a choice of stability and of a wiser decision (or so I thought).  The time was right for me to settle down and I have found her – the one that I would grow old with.  She, whom I can talk with for hours about anything under the sun, has given new meaning to the word “smitten”.  Yet there was a “what if” confusion… there was  YOU.  Were you the last fling that people often talked about before getting married?  But I did not get married – not formally anyway.  No vows nor ring nor piece of paper will ever bear witness to the promise of love I gave her.  It was not even a promise, it was a question hastily answered in the throes of passion with the burning sensation at the pit of my stomach.  As stubborn and headstrong as an Arian that I am, I stood by my word.  Once in a while traipsing down that thin line of unfaithfulness because of something that was not in the current situation.  She became my home.  Where she is, my home will be.  We have struggled, are still struggling, and there were times that it was touch and go.  We have learned to understand each other’s quirks and have forgiven time and again the other’s mistakes.

Mistakes – when done more than once should sound the alarm.  When being unfaithful was a way out of something that needed attention – well, at least on my part.  I can only guess that there is no perfect relationship or a perfect partner.  Nobody really taught Love 101 or Relationships 2.0 in school or in church.  We can only play it by ear and be guided by our partner’s touch.  We learn from what we have experienced and hopefully the lessons have been learned.  Yet we are our own persons.  When two people live as one, it will not be a smooth ride.  You iron out the differences in the first week, months, years and decades.  The relationship is alive as long as we both are.  You make and break the rules as you go along.  Then when you are all settled and the dust clears, another wind blows and we get rattled and shaken.

I should’ve stayed out of your life like she asked of me.  I should never have welcomed you back.  I never should have picked up where we left off.  Was there really something to look back on or was it just me?  I never asked you that question maybe because I am afraid of what the answer will be.  Knowing that somehow and at some point in time, I may have hurt someone I so cared for.  You have kept me sane and you, of all people, want my current relationship to work.  Yes, things are a lot different now.  I didn’t think time will make those changes but it did.  Time and distance away from a person can only be measured by the changes they’ve had in their lives while apart.  But will the changes make a difference in one’s feelings for the other?  Mine haven’t changed I guess.  You are still the “what if”, the only doubt I have that wouldn’t go away.

Will I ever know?  Time can only tell.  Maybe when I get the courage to clear the cobwebs of assumption, when I get to take myself out of this ambivalence, and when I wake myself from this daydream, then maybe I will see that indeed we are merely friends.  That what was then will remain in the past,  it should stay there where we can go back, reminisce and smile then wake up to reality that we at least stayed in touch.  That in the confines of you and I, we can still be “together”.  Like a secret that we keep with a smile, I shall keep my thoughts of you – of course, always with a smile as sweet as your kisses.

Now I understand why she lets me see you.  For in her heart, she knows that I will always be with her.  I now understand why there are fewer chances for me to see you, because you want it that way.  So even in this changing world, there are constants that will remain.  Will you remain my “what if” or will you be my “what now”?

You can follow the author on Twitter @chrisjos