The Philippine Online Chronicles

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

Confronted with the same crisis, each one of us would react and cope differently.  We can either be overt or covert in our reaction. We can act out our emotions or verbally express our opinion.  We can withdraw and feel helpless and depressed. The healthy course is to be honest with our self, to own our feelings and reactions and respect our process of recovery. Eventually, on our terms, we find stability and balance again after a very unnerving experience.  We feel in control again of our lives. We are empowered so we can move on after the crisis.

In the recent decades, shopping has escalated to be one of the top coping mechanisms and a reliable “pick me up” activity especially for women. The shopping experience of your mother or your grandmother is different from your own shopping experience now. The actual shopping area has increased to super and mega proportions.  Shopping centers then were modest and are not as humongous as they are now.  Shopping was much simpler because you only had few brands to choose from for one item.  Now, you rely on adverts and recommendations from people to choose the right brand since there are just so much to choose from.  Shopping then was an occasion and was not done all the time. Shopping for gifts is only for Christmas or on your birthday. Now, shopping is often a “fix” for a quick mood change, a trusted activity to make one feel good, and a recipe for fun and pleasure. It is not a surprise that shopping malls have become lucrative business ventures.

“Born to shop.”

Why is shopping such a pleasurable experience?

It begins with an urge to buy something. It can be out of plain desire or a legitimate need. Then, you set a time to go shopping. The closer you get to the shopping mall, the quiet excitement builds up within you. The moment you enter a store, sales clerks greet you with big smiles. You are treated with respect and given much attention. As you choose the items you want to buy, you are totally immersed in the task.  You feel in control and have the freedom to make a decision. The attention, the feeling of being in control and having the power to make a choice all boost one’s self-esteem. Bottom line is you feel special and important. Later on, when you open your shopping bags, your purchases will remind you of the happiness you felt. So, you relive it again. The items you purchased become proof of this positive experience. Women would tend to purchase clothes, shoes and accessories to enhance their appearance while men like to buy gadgets and tools. Both take pleasure in their newly-acquired material possession.

Shopping can also be a social event. Going shopping together with close friends or family member can be a time for bonding. Women in particular chat and update each other while trying out shoes, clothes and accessories. Sharing such positive experiences with someone else doubles the fun.

The sad truth about shopping

If who I am is what I have, and what I have is lost, then who am I?

Shopping is not just simply purchasing what we need anymore. We sometimes measure our self-worth with what we possess. Each one of us, says experts, has a potential shopaholic inside.

According to Thomas Hine, author of the book, I Want That! How We All Became Shoppers, in shopping, we define ourselves through our relationships to things and to the meanings that our society attributes to them. He also said that, we try things on, and as we do so, we try on identities.

When shopping spins out of control, it can become a compulsion. Encarta dictionary defines “compulsion” as a drive by an irresistible inner force to do something. The once pleasurable experience can be a real source of inner pain and turmoil. An avid shopper still has control over the urge to shop but a compulsive shopper is controlled by the urge to shop. The shopper loses control. Nowadays, we call it Retail Therapy. It is a misnomer because it is really not a therapy. Real therapy should help you with your problem, relieve you of stress and not make it worse.

What is “Retail Therapy?”

There are many terms now used to refer to this phenomenon. The very first popular term was “shopaholic.” Avis Cardella, in her memoir, Spent: Memoirs of a Shopping Addict, said that word "shopaholic" dates back to a 1984 Washington Post story about Diana, Princess of Wales. At that time, "to declare oneself a 'shopaholic' elicited smiles and pats on the back, maybe even envy," she notes.

“Compulsive shopping disorder” didn't come to be used until the early '90s, but it remains unrecognized as a disorder in the (DSM- IV) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders –Fourth Edition. It is being considered to be included in DSM –V which is expected to come out in 2012.

According to Wikipedia, “Retail Therapy” was first used as a term in the 1980s with the first reference being this sentence in the Chicago Tribune of Christmas Eve 1986: "We've become a nation measuring out our lives in shopping bags and nursing our psychic ills through retail therapy."

Retail therapy or compulsive shopping is when shopping has become a habit as a cure for stress, depression, frustration and other unpleasant feeling. Just like any habit, the person afflicted is uncomfortable when the impulse or urge is not satisfied.  If we have comfort food, those who engage in retail therapy have “comfort buys.”

Experts offer many possible causes of compulsive shopping. Some believe that it is condoned and even encouraged by our society. We are conditioned by advertisements to buy happiness by buying material possessions. One ad I came across recently said “Turn your longings to belongings.” This type of message feeds this compulsion. Part of the problem is also the need to keep up with the Joneses. It is not just the richer neighbor but now the standard has become the lifestyles of the rich and famous we see on television. We are made to believe that it is normal to have such expectations that are way beyond our means.

Some experts believe that it would be simplistic to blame it all on society – the retail business boom, access to credit cards, online shopping, media and advertising agencies. Dr. Samir Parikh believes that the real problem is internal and one’s environment acts only as a trigger. According to some analysts of oniomania, medical term for compulsive shopping, many shopaholics have experienced neglect and deprivation during childhood. Because they did not receive proper care and attention from their parents, they turned to toys to compensate for their loneliness.  They grow up being angry, lonely and having low self-esteem. In short, the seeds of compulsive buying have been planted early in childhood through unfortunate experiences.

Cardella, wrote that it was important to go back to the root cause of her problem. With her, she said, it was a replacement for parental love. She felt an overwhelming grief after the sudden death of her mother.  She said, “I had used shopping to avoid myself. I had used shopping to define myself.” Her compulsive buying brought her to the point where she was unable to pay her credit card debts and rent. She also did not have money to buy groceries and could not afford to see a doctor when she needed to. She was so poor living in New York but with a wardrobe full of famous designer labels like Prada and Jil Sander.

Retail therapy that has gone too far eventually falls into a vicious cycle. Firsts it starts with feeling of emptiness or lack of self-worth. This triggers compulsion to shop which provides a quick fix. The positive feeling after shopping is short-lived as the shopper realizes that more debt is incurred. The shopper is back to square one with feelings of guilt, anger and helplessness. This again would trigger the compulsion to shop and start the cycle all over again.

How to tell if you are a compulsive shopper?

How would you know if you have crossed the line from being an avid shopper or an occasional impulsive shopper to being an oniomaniac? Luckily, there are warning signals or ways to know if you are a compulsive shopper or have the potential to be one.

The personality of a typical compulsive shopper involves these qualities:

-       Anxious and worries a lot.

-       Depressed and sad.

-       Inadequate coping mechanisms. Feels overwhelmed.

-       Feels stressed.

-       Lonely

-       Intense urge to shop

-       Low self-esteem or self-worth

The following are behavior typical of a compulsive shopper:

-           Hides the credit card bill or receipt and actual purchases from spouse or family members.

-           Responds to unpleasant feelings by shopping.

-           Buys things without specific need for it, whether one affords it or not

-           Struggles with paying bills because of too much spending

-           When buying is put off, one feels intensely deprived or upset.

-           Spending habits cause argument with spouse or other family members.

-           Habitually buys and returns merchandises.

-           Often thinks about shopping.

-           Buy things one did not plan on buying.

-           Often buy things that one never wears or uses.

If you agree to most of these points, you might be suffering from compulsive shopping. If you want to be sure, you can consult a psychologist or a professional who can diagnose you properly.

How to manage compulsive shopping?

1. Be honest with yourself. Have the courage to admit that you might need some kind of intervention because your shopping has gone out of hand.
2. Observe what goes on inside you when you go shopping. What triggers your spending? Do you buy things that enhance your appearance? Examine what your problem is really like.
3. If you can dig deep, understand the real reason for your compulsive shopping. What are you trying to avoid or trying to deal with through buying things.
4. Pay with cash. Avoid using your credit card.
5. Keep a diary of what you spent and items you bought. This keeps you alert and in control of your shopping and spending. This will give you a concrete data of your shopping habit. When you notice you are spending a lot, note how the situation is like. What caused you to start spending more?
6. Make a shopping list before you go out and stick to it when you reach the shopping center.
7. Find other ways to make you feel appreciated and worthy. Open creative avenues for you to express yourself, your feelings, your opinion and your present life.
8. Make a yearly and then a monthly budget so you will know how much you can spend on non-essential things.
9. Engage in other activities that can also give you the same positive feeling as shopping without spending money. You can go for a walk, do yoga, cook a meal, dance in your room or do some gardening.

10. Volunteer in a charity or organization of your choice. It is very rewarding to be surrounded with people who appreciate and welcome you as you are.

Our life will not run out of growing pains or crises. These hurdles in our life have an important purpose in strengthening our character and our faith in God. As my mentor always reminded us, “the only way is through.”  Material possessions and short-lived effect of shopping are not the tools that can really help us through the difficult moments. After awhile, they do not help us at all but prevent us from helping ourselves transcend our weaknesses. Let us put shopping in its proper place with us in control so that we can face our life confidently as we should.

You did then what you knew how to do.

When you knew better, you did better.” –Maya Angelou

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