The Philippine Online Chronicles

The minute a couple gets married in the Philippines, questions on when they plan to have kids will start. My father-in-law asked us if we were already pregnant a week after we got married during our honeymoon, all because my husband asked him to buy crabs for me.

After the first child, questions on when the next child is due would still crop up. And then there are those who show disapproval when you say you only want two, or that you want more.

Regardless of what the couple wants, people will have an opinion and, as with Filipinos, personal questions on expanding the family will continue until the woman probably hits menopause. We are just nosy as a people that way.

Now, in an ideal world, every family will really plan their family. Maybe when the Reproductive Health Bill is passed and implemented, more couples will also be more intentional on the size of the family they want to have. Let’s say, however, that you are just a newly-married couple, or that you already have a child and are thinking of how many more to add to your brood. What are the major considerations you should take into account?

I have a short and general list, where each one overlaps and affects the others. But before sharing that list, I want to emphasize something: EACH ADDITION TO THE FAMILY WILL CAUSE STRESS. And the degree to which you have somehow prepared for the addition is directly proportional to how soon, and how much, you will reap the rewards of said addition to the family.

So before welcoming (or delaying) that new baby, think about these:

Present and near-future setup

Are you renting or still living with your in-laws? Do you live in a house or just a rented room? Is there space for a new baby and things he or she will require? Do you have the immediate means to improve or change your living arrangements?

Do you have household help? Who will be the baby’s primary caregiver? Is at least one of you holding a stable job and earning over minimum wage? Are you supporting other dependents, like an ill parent or younger sibling? Will you both be able to play an active role in the child’s rearing, or does one of the parents have to work abroad? What kind of support system do you have, in terms that can be provided by immediate family and friends?

Also, how long have you been married? How old is the youngest baby? And most importantly, how is the marriage or relationship?

If you are a newly-married couple, take some time to enjoy your marriage first and get to know each other in a way you have never had before. Marriage requires adjustment to each other’s families and unknown quirks, as well as learning to tackle major decisions as a unit, instead of as two individuals. Get established as a married couple and get some level of independence first before expanding your family. It’s likely to be less stressful that way because you have already established yourselves as a team.

The same is true if there is still an infant (babies 12 months old and below) in the house. Enjoy the baby first before having another one. Pregnancy would almost definitely make it hard for a mother to care for an existing baby, especially if she’s doing it alone. And if the marriage is far from peachy, having a baby will probably do more harm than good despite one’s hopes of having the baby bridge whatever gap there is.

Couples who cannot communicate are far less likely to just magically do when there is a crying, demanding baby in the picture. To have the time and energy to fix a marriage, you don’t make more babies; you get some help.

Lifestyle

Are you a workaholic or on the brink of a major promotion? Careers may have to take a back seat once there is a new baby as kids may get sick a lot in their first seven years, and require a lot of time. Since the mother is automatically considered as the primary caregiver, she may have to make more sacrifices and face unique challenges. One example is: where does a breastfeeding woman pump milk if she’s always out on the field?

If you are the type who loves travelling so often, or having really nice things, a baby is also sure to put a dent on those things. Babies will require you to consider a lot of things even with only a trip to the mall (Is there a changing area? A breastfeeding clinic? Is it flu season?). Kids will break a lot of nice things, aside from write on your nice walls and maybe even chip your nice furniture.

Say you already have a child or two and both in school. Do you think you can go back to the breastfeeding and diapering days again?

Children generally change priorities and most families are able to celebrate the changes in their lifestyle, finding meaning in losing sleep and limited disposable income. However, it is critical for couples to reflect on just how much they enjoy their creature comforts and how much of it they are willing to give up, all for the sake of a new baby to love.

Health

There are many issues that fall under the general umbrella that we call health. For one, the age of the parents is a major consideration as the optimum age for a woman to bear children is between 20 and 35. Over (and under) that and the risks for both mother and child increase, such as pregnancy complications, stillbirths and handicapped babies (both from the mother’s age and increased likelihood of premature birth). Even fathers who have kids in later life increase the likelihood of having children with birth defects or health problems. To put it bluntly, the quality of egg and sperm starts going downhill after the age of 35, not just because of the parents’ age but also due to their accumulated lifestyle sins and stresses. Conception alone becomes more challenging as a woman gets older.

This is not meant to scare people into having kids. After all, many older mothers have gone on to successfully give birth to healthy babies as the overall risks are still low. It is still important, however, that one is aware of the risks in order to get the help necessary and come up with realistic expectations.

Another thing to consider that is health-related is a matter of simple mathematics. Having a child in your late 30s and 40s will mean you may still be dealing with adolescent angst in your 50s or 60s. Do you think you will still have the energy then? There is also the sad fact that people suffering from diabetes, hypertension and heart diseases are getting younger and younger. Such diseases in parents can be debilitating while raising young children because maintenance drugs will eat up the family resources. The diseases themselves will likewise affect quality of life for the whole family.

Then there is the issue of maternal and perinatal health as affected by the number of babies and birth spacing. The recommended spacing is at least 18 months to less than five years between delivery and succeeding pregnancy to minimize overall risks for both mother and baby. Meanwhile, family planning and contraception options also bring with it a slew of other issues, as not all women can take pills and not all men might like using condoms.

Another health-related fact is that some women just really have difficult pregnancies, or have existing medical conditions that are aggravated by pregnancies. And then of course, there is the fact that some couples will give birth, or already have, special needs kids.

Money

The only people who do not worry about the cost of having a baby are people who can afford mansions and go to Europe to shop. The rest of us just have babies. However, babies cost a lot and they do seem to cost more the longer you delay having them.

First of all, trying to conceive may be financially challenging for some couples. Lab tests, treatments and fertility drugs can cost between P5,000-P40,000 a month, depending on what you’re having done and where. Pregnancy requires prenatal checkups and vitamins. If you’re unlucky, you may even have complications that will require bed rest (loss of income) and hospitalization, aside from special medications and other doctors to manage your other health issues. For delivery costs, one can expect to pay as low as almost nothing (Fabella Hospital only requires donations as do midwives) to P250,000 at the new St. Luke’s Hospital at the Fort, and that’s for non-complicated deliveries.

And then there is the baby who will require between P10,000- P30,000 the first year to cover all important vaccines and necessary well-baby checkups. This is not yet counting the cost of diapers, if you will use disposable ones; or the cost of formula, if you are not going to breastfeed. There is the initial infant layette, the growing baby clothes, the toys and then the cost of his education that will span 20 years, at least. Depending on your beliefs and lifestyle, you may even require a bigger house, car or more nannies.

Nobody can really plan their family to a tee. Sometimes, retrenchment can coincide with a planned pregnancy or a baby still gets conceived despite use of contraception. Nobody can also prepare for a really difficult pregnancy, or congenital anomalies in a baby. Such surprises can be devastating, and yet a lot of families have gone on and embraced the opportunities that come with such surprises. Still, it is wiser to consider all of the above as well as other major family goals (migrating, buying a home, getting another degree, etc.) so that you know what to expect and what to work for as a family.

If you’re really not ready for a baby now, know that it’s okay. But also know that it may get harder and more expensive as you get older. At least you can give yourself a timeline up to when you will delay it and take measures to minimize the possible consequences of putting it off (e.g. live healthy for better chances of conception later).

If you really like having kids that can grow up together and have all that you want before you turn 35, then at least you know that building your dream house may take a while, and vacations will be limited to child-friendly destinations for several years.

And when meddlesome relatives and nosy strangers start giving unsolicited advice, just smile and thank them for being concerned, and then tell them that they also need not worry, for you and your husband already have the best interests of your family at heart.

Photos: "CSdelivery", "Family" and "siblings" by Mec Arevalo. Some rights reserved.