Cheers to a new breed of dads

In one of my favorite children’s books, a little boy named William asked his parents to buy him a doll. Appalled by William’s request, his father attempted to dissuade him from getting a doll by giving him toys that were considered more gender-appropriate.

However, William still insisted that he wanted a doll until his grandmother finally consented and presented him with one. When asked why he wanted a doll, William explained that he wanted a doll to practice singing to, and loving and taking care of so he can become a good father in the future.

William’s Doll, written by Charlotte Zolotow, is a heart-warming tale of a little boy who shows the world that even boys long to become parents someday.

Today, a new breed of dads is slowly becoming more popular: the Stay-at-Home Dad. Much like William, Stay-at-Home Dads challenge stereotypes and prove that not all daddies have to go to office and bring home the proverbial bacon to prove their manhood.

Who is the SAHD?

The stay-at-home dad, or SAHD for short, is a father who has taken on the role of primary caregiver to his children and takes on the role of homemaker in the household. Other terms used to describe this genre of men are housedads, househusbands and Mr. Mom. Essentially, they take on the gender roles and expectations that are traditionally assigned to women.

While most men do not plan to be stay-at-home dads from the onset, many of them find fulfilment and pleasure in their choice. Several reasons account for the growing number of SAHD’s in the past decade.

One major reason for the increase in number of stay-at-home dads is financial. Many families opt to trim down from a two-income household to a single-earning one in because of the savings it translates to, especially when one takes into account the savings to be made from hiring full-time nannies, stay-in helpers and tutors to help with the children’s schooling while mom and dad are at work.

Another reason fathers become SAHDs is because it is the wise choice to make, considering family dynamics. For Stephen Barrows, for example, it was the logical choice given the fact that his wife was the one with more potential to earn more. This is also true for many Filipino OFW husbands whose wives are nurses in the US.

The American Psychological Association also identified “a shared reluctance along with their spouse to allow someone else to raise their children” as a reason why men decide to become SAHD’s.

At times, fathers end up becoming SAHDs because of job loss.

Under the “saya”

One of the biggest challenges Stay-at-Home dads face is the notion that they are “sayang” (wasting their potential), especially if they were earning well before making the choice to stay at home and raise the children. They are viewed by society as lazy and self-indulgent.

They are even condemned to burn in hell by Reverend John Hagee , who, in 2008, said that men who stay at home are “ too lazy to work and support your children. I'm talking about men. You call yourself Mr. Mom, God calls you a bum. St. Paul says you are worse than an infidel. Let me look you right in the eye and tell you that Hell is your future home if all you do is sit on your backside and let your wife support you in your life”.

For Filipino husbands, they still feel the stigma of being a househusband. This is highly due to the fact that despite the Filipino family having evolved evolved, the patriarchal nature of the family structure still exists.

In an article, Prof. Gary Okihiro of the Center for the Study of Race and Ethnicity at Columbia University pointed out how the changing roles in the traditional Filipino family can be a cause of dysfunction, particularly since men may be offended by the reversal of roles.

In the same article, an OFW’s husband was quoted as saying “personally, as a man, I think it is degrading to stay at home while my wife is working”. In a local online forum, many of the reader’s comments likewise looked down on the notion of men being stay-at-home dads. One such comment reads: “No. I don't want my child see his dad doing the things that I should be the one doing because he might end up doing the same which is very wrong for me”.

Besides the stigma attached to SAHDs, Mr. Moms also have to deal with similar psychosocial issues that stay-at-home moms face. For one, there is a growing sense of social isolation, especially as they become more and more ingrained in the nitty-gritty of daily life as their child’s nanny, chauffeur, nurse, teacher and playmate.

Men who stay home and parent their children may also feel like they are losing their identities. They become relegated to titles like “so-and-so’s dad” or “her husband”. This may make them feel worthless and shamed. Daddies can also feel cooped up and trapped in their set-up. Just like stay-at-home moms, they may feel that they no longer have “me” time.

Keeping Daddy happy

While many SAHDs have made peace with their choice, they may encounter episodes of sadness, anxiety and frustration because of their jobs as stay-at-home parents. These may stem from issues surrounding the stigma they face, the growing loss of identity, and social isolation. As such, it is important for him to be supported by people around him.

The internet also offers vast resources to help daddy cope with the challenges of their day-to-day experiences. Groups for stay-at-home dads, for example, are available in the popular social networking site Facebook. Various fora also offer a venue for discussion and are a vast reservoir of information.

Aside from the social support from his family and loved ones, Daddys will also benefit with finding alternative work-from-home opportunities which can keep him on his toes and attend to the “adult” part of him. For example, daddies can explore web development, blogging and writing as alternative sources of income. This can make them feel a sense of worth and foster pride in their own abilities.

The gift of fatherhood

While Filipino SAHDs are not yet as fully appreciated and understood as their western counterparts, many have made the transition from working dad to stay-at-home dad. One such dad is Jules who is a stay-at-home dad to his son Mulawin, whose story is shared by Dexter Osorio in wmn.ph. In the article, Jules responded to the question “why become a stay-at-home dad?” with another question: “Why not?”

Fathers who chose to stay at home with their children give them a gift beyond measure. They give them the gift of themselves. More so, they positively contribute to their child’s holistic growth. In fact, research shows that a father’s affection and increased family involvement promote a child’s social and emotional development.

Being a dad is a tough job. Whether it’s the traditional daddy role he takes on or the alternative stay-at-home dad role, he definitely deserves a big round of applause this Father’s Day.

Happy Dad’s Day!

Photos: “I love him” by Jim Champion, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved , “Wild World” by Annais Ferreira, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved, “breakfast: bunny in the hole” by woodley wonderworks, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved.

-----

Maria Andrea (Ria) S. Tirazona, M.S. (cand.), popularly known as Yapatoots in the online blogging and social networking community, is a preschool teacher at Playschool International and part-time lecturer at the Psychology Department of De La Salle University. She is also an Associate Psychologist at PsychConsult, Inc, where she specializes in Psychological Assessment. She holds a Bachelor's Degree in Family Life and Child Development from the University of the Philippines and is currently working on her thesis for her Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology at the De La Salle University. In her spare time she maintains several blogs, including www.theaccidentalteacher.com, www.fatgirlnomore.com and www.yapatoots.com.