The Philippine Online Chronicles

Somewhere in Cubao, at about ‘alak singko,’ a trio of minimum daily wage workers hurriedly left their respective workplaces to meet up in their favorite videoke joint. Since today is payday, they ordered two buckets of ice-cold beer and sizzling sisig. On an ordinary day, two or three bottles of beer with walang kamatayang peanuts for pulutan would suffice.

By 8 pm, their missuses would have sent several text messages asking them of their whereabouts and if they’d be eating dinner at home. The first guy replied : “Ma, nagkayayaan e. Ano pala gusto mong pasalubong?’ to the question: ‘Asan ka na?’ The other guy, rushed out of bar, called his wife, let her hear the honking of vehicles and clatter of the pedestrians and said: “Mukhang matratraffic ako, inom lang ako ng kaunti dito sa tindahan habang naghihintay.” The third guy obliviously or even deliberately ignores the wife’s text messages and emphatically sings “‘Beer” popularized by the Itchyworms:

Ibuhos na ang beer  
Sa aking lalamunan  
Upang malunod na ang  
Puso kong na hihirapan  
Bawat patak anong sarap  
Ano ba talagang mas gusto  
Ang beer na ito  
O ang pag-ibig mo

By 12 pm, the three friends transform into Jejemons as they keep asking themselves: ‘lAshIng KAh nuah B@h?’ (lasing ka na ba?) to which they answer in unison: ‘iZha pahng rOunD!’ (isa pang round!). After a few minutes, reality sets in and they suddenly remember that their birthdays fall on the 30^th of November and are bona fide members of the “Sansui Takusa and Tigasin Club” (referring to ‘Sang sutsot uwi, Takot sa Asawa and Tiga-saing, Tiga-sinop, Tiga-salok etc’.). Oh, the tale of the angry mad fuming woman with curlers on her hair, ‘tsin tsan tsu’ on her face, rolling pin in one hand and a mouth that can beat Fran Capo is not a myth! They shall feel the wrath of the wife who hates beer and the several B’s that oftentimes come with it (beer-belly, barkada, bisyo, basag-ulo, and even babae).

Beer is the “jack of all trades” if not the “mother of all”’ drinks. Sorry, Bantay, it is beer that is really man’s best friend. Joel, my kumpare who passed away last year,used to say without fail: ”I’ll drink my dinner” to refer to an ice cold beer. Even the late National Artist for Literature Nick Joaquin’s penchant for beer is famous and legendary. It has been said that he usually found his muse in writing after downing several bottles of beer. He once had a column titled ‘Small Beer’ at the Philippine Daily Inquirer. For laborers and construction workers, it is the one drink after work that is, to borrow a brand of beer’s ad tagline, “panghagod sa pagod” (one that eases the weariness). It is an energy drink for men who do not have the guts to express their feelings. With a bottle or more, men are transformed into poet laureates and a range of connoisseurs - -foodies, political pundits, religious scholars, prophets of doom, and village idiots. It brings out one’s hidden eloquence and loquaciousness. It is a great social icebreaker. Some of the closest friendships started with a ‘tagay’. Sports enthusiasts love beer a lot. According to an article, beer and sports go together like the Scottish and sheep. Man is inseparable from his beer. Our village’s Pilosopo Tasyo who coincidentally is the sitio’s drunkard intimated to me that drinking beer is synonymous to his ‘pagkalalake.’ He cites the quintessential beer song: ‘Sa langit wala ang Beer that’s why we drink it here’ as his raison d'être.

Beer is also considered a health drink if drank in moderation. It contains 0mg of cholesterol, 0g of fat, 13g of carbohydrate, 25mg of sodium protein, calcium, potassium, phosphorus and vitamins B, B2, and B6. A quote from one of the U.S. founding fathers and lightning rod discoverer Benjamin Franklin says, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Would you believe that even saints loved Beer? Actually there are several patron saints of Beer: St. Arnold of Soissons, St. Arnulf of Metz and Saint Amand. I asked my facebook friends why they loved drinking beer and their answers were: ‘kasi nakapagpapakalma, nakapagpapainit, nagbibigay ng lakas ng loob, at nakapagpapatulog’, ‘it ignites my senses’ and ‘pampaganda din ng buhay- when you drink beer, everything else is beautiful.’ Beer is so famous and in demand that in the Philippines, San Miguel Corporation has built a food, beverage and packaging empire through its flagship product, San Miguel Beer (one of the largest selling beers and among the top 10 beer brands in the world).

I dare you to tell these to the wifey though. Wives definitely hate that ‘amoy chico’ which their hubbies distinctly stink of after a drinking spree. It is as if alcohol reeks from every crevice of the body especially the mouth. The drunken husband who goes home at the wee hours of the morning becomes naughty, makulit, and would continuously bug the hell out of the poor sleepy wife. Some tiptoe or crawl their way into the house depending on the intoxication level. Worse, some men cannot hold their beer in their stomach and instead let it rise up to addle their head. They may suddenly turn warlike and fist-happy, buoyed by that alcohol-infused macho feeling and end up looking for fights over petty things, including: “‘kanina pa masama ang tingin,” “hindi ko kursunada ang asta.” and “masyadong mayabang.” Of course, the wife would be worried over the accidents and trouble (and even death) that could potentially arise from excessive beer drinking. Who wouldn’t be apprehensive who have read tabloid headlines like: “3 hinihinalang lasing naubusan ng swerte,” “1 patay sa aksidente,” “Senglot na naghamon ng away, utas,” “Dalagita niluray ng 5 lasing?” Or worst, some wives become victims of domestic violence because of beer or the excess of it.

Admittedly, beer and women in general do not jibe well. To quote Kaiser Welhelm: “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” To bridge the divide, tell your wife that Women created beer instead of enumerating to her 45 reasons why beer is better than women. Remind her that beer promotes romance and is good for male potency. These are two of the 14 reasons why you should drink beer.

Heaven for a beer drinker is to have both his beer and his wife in harmony. To have her cook his favorite ‘pulutan’ and let him enjoy the ice cold beer while he hogs the remote control minus the nagging is marital bliss. In Pangasinan they say ‘Agay lay samit na bilay!’ (How sweet is this life!).Too much wishful thinking? Or maybe I had one too many beer while writing this article? Kampai! Let’s drink to that!

Photo: Beer, by Simon Francis Blaise R. Vistro, Some Rights Reserved

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Simon Francis Blaise R. Vistro wants to be known as SiRVis (an amalgamation of his name, profession as a teacher and penchant for service). He is a polymath wannabe in the fields of training and education, civic voluntarism, sports, arts, travel and social networking. Born and raised in Dagupan City, he is a staunch advocate of the preservation of Pangasinan language, arts and culture.