The Philippine Online Chronicles

Margie, a front desk officer in a big hotel is unhappy in her relationship with her boyfriend. Her work requires her to talk and assist hotel clients. Her boyfriend berates her whenever he sees her talking to male clients. He does not make a scene but he confronts her once they are alone. Margie is emotionally drained by their frequent arguments. As a result, she feels uncomfortable whenever she needs to talk to male clients. Her jealous boyfriend is affecting her emotions and causing her to be inefficient at work. Margie loves her boyfriend but fears that the relationship is becoming a negative force in her life.

In a romantic relationship, it is not uncommon for partners to feel some form of jealousy at one time or another. It is quite natural for romantically involved people to feel slightly possessive about their respective partners. Mild form of jealousy is not harmful. Sometimes a little dose of jealousy can help an individual appreciate his or her partner more. However, a relationship can suffer when jealousy blows out of proportion. When jealousy becomes the reason behind constant bickering and misunderstandings, the romantic bond can crack.

Jealousy can give rise to lack of trust and drive couples away from each other. Do not let jealousy ruin the love you have for your partner. If you feel that your relationship is under strain because of a jealous partner, then it might help if you can determine the root cause of the problem.

Possible factors that can induce jealousy

Insecurity

Jealousy can arise from a person’s own insecurities about himself or herself or the relationship. An individual who feels inadequate or lacks self-confidence may feel that he or she does not have what it takes to sustain a successful relationship. Feeling of inadequacy may be intellectual, physical, or even financial. A person who criticizes himself or herself for not having qualities that he/she perceives as important in a relationship often harbor negative emotions that cause conflict between partners. In some cases, insecurity can be a result of a sour experience in the past. An individual who came from a broken relationship can carry over unpleasant baggage to the next relationship.

Possessiveness

An over-possessive individual sometimes tend to think of his or her partner as a “property” rather than a person. Such person can easily feel jealous when his or her partner gets near almost anyone of the opposite sex. In some situations, an over-possessive partner can even become jealous of his or her partner’s friends of the same sex. An over possessive partner tend to be selfish and may hate the idea of sharing his or her partner’s time and affection with others.

Unrealistic expectations

Problems may arise when people in a relationship place unrealistic expectations on themselves or their respective partners. When things don’t turn out the way they expect them to, they might meet someone who is more capable of achieving the things that he or she has difficulty attaining. Conflict can arise when a third party within the social circle of the couple becomes an object of comparison. Egos can be hurt if a partner always compares his or her other half to another person. An insensitive partner who always downplays his or her partner’s strengths and highlights his or her weaknesses may become responsible for the breakdown of a relationship.

Dealing with a jealous partner

Jealousy is also referred to as “The Little Green Monster.” It can feed on negative feelings such as mistrust, insecurity, inadequacy, over-possessiveness, fear of being replaced, and others. This tendency can be controlled at its early stage. However, if given free reign, it can grow into a giant monster and destroy relationships.

Here are a few ways to help you cope with a jealous partner.

Talk to your partner

Keep communication lines open in your relationship. Do not avoid the problem. You will not be able to solve anything if you choose to keep a blind eye. Bring up the issue of jealousy instead of pretending that it does not exist.

Choose the right time and place to talk things over. Select a neutral place where both parties can feel comfortable and remain undisturbed.

Give each other a chance to talk. Focus on how your partner’s jealousy is negatively affecting your relationship. While your partner is talking, listen and pay attention to clues that will help you understand the reason behind the jealousy. Listening attentively can help you understand the origin of the jealousy. Give each other a chance to share feelings, fears and anxieties about the relationship. Do not interrupt or discount your partner’s feelings. Talk about your expectations and how you can help each other fulfill them.

Give your partner reassurance

If you discover that your partner’s jealousy is due to insecurity, find ways to reassure your partner that you love him or her. Not all people are vocal about their feelings but saying “I love you” to your partner can make him or her feel more secure about your relationship.

Symbolic gestures can help, like wearing a ring given by your partner or making a point to call your partner whenever you need to stay late at work or go on business trips.

Compliment your partner

If your partner feels inadequate, you can help by giving him or her compliments. Recognize your partner’s strengths and achievements instead of putting him or her down by focusing on mistakes and weaknesses. Building your partner’s confidence can lessen insecurities and improve your relationship.

Pay attention to your partner’s possessiveness

Possessiveness can be unhealthy when it makes a partner uneasy. Having a possessive partner who becomes unreasonably angry when you talk to the opposite sex or gets upset when you spend time with your friends of the same sex can be too much to bear.

If your partner feels jealous of the opposite sex (co-workers or clients), explain to him or her rationally that you are just doing your work. Tell your partner that his or her jealously is negatively affecting your work. Let your partner know much as you love him or her, you do not want to lose your job.

If your partner is becoming unreasonably possessive, explain to him or her that it is not healthy to spend all your time in each other’s company. Help him or her understand that your love does not diminish when you spend time with family and friends. Encourage your partner to spend time with your family and friends so he or she can realize that there is nothing to worry about.

Reconsider your relationship

When jealousy gets out of hand and becomes a constant source of unhappiness and anxiety, then perhaps it’s time to reconsider your relationship.

For unmarried couples (girlfriend-boyfriend), raging jealousy can ruin a relationship. If you have tried your best to save the relationship but feel that it’s a losing battle, then it might be time to consider letting go. Partners should learn how to give and take. It’s emotionally draining when only one partner is doing all the understanding and making all the adjustments.

Married couples, who feel that their marriage is breaking down due to extreme jealousy, can consider seeking professional help especially when the jealous spouse becomes verbally or physically abusive.

Photos: “Pia de Tolomei and Nello della Pietra by Pio Fedi” by Jun, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved; “Jealousy” by , c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved.

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Rachel Yapchiongco, also known as Rach to her friends, is a Psychology and Marketing Management graduate of De La Salle University. She took up MBA at the same university. Rachel is a full-time mom to a charming young boy and married to an entrepreneur with a passion for cooking. She shares parenting experiences and slices of everyday life on her personal blog called Heart of Rachel.