The Philippine Online Chronicles

Trust is the foundation of any commitment – be it friendship, love or business. Once the trust is gone, you’ll constantly be looking over your shoulder. Cracks caused by once broken trust can tar a relationship, no matter how flawless it used to be. It weighs the heart down. Like a harsh bright light that shines immediately in a dark room, it’s a cold wake-up call to reality. Is this person worth staying with? Is this person worth staying for? You see the cracks and know they can’t be hidden.

The monsignor’s homily

“A narra tree stood in the yard. It was strong and sturdy, its presence commanding. Storms came and crushed the other trees, but it remained standing. Quakes broke the earth it rested on, but it stayed strong. Floods carried off the mansion it stood next to, but it stood its ground.

"On a beautiful, bright, cloudless day, the narra tree fell. No wind had budged it from its roots. No one had axed it down. Out of nowhere, without warning, the narra tree toppled over by itself and broke into many pieces. The strong and sturdy narra was rotten on the inside. It was long decaying but not seen by others, and only on this random day did it collapse.

"It’s the small things that can break a marriage most badly.  Broken promises add up, fights swept under the rug rot and fester. These are commitments dishonored. This is fodder for broken trust.”

These were some of the words the monsignor shared during my wedding in 2003. It was a homily on what makes a marriage work.  No matter how grand the gesture is, the monsignor shared, if the smaller acts in the marriage aren’t whole, genuine and vibrant, the tree will fall. It’s the little things that can get overlooked. A missed errand, an unresolved spat, an accidental slap, a single white lie – this is trust being broken into slivers and splinters. The worst thing is how you know the broken shards are piling up but still push them under the bulging carpet anyway.

The elephant in the room

How long does it take to forgive someone? How long before the elephant in the room trudges away? In October 2011, celebrity doctor Vicki Belo shared how trust issues still are a concern in her relationship with fiancé Hayden Kho. In 2009, Kho was involved in multiple sex video scandals. It created much buzz not only in the entertainment arena but in the political circle as well. News spread that the couple separated after, but reunited not too much later. In 2010, Kho proposed to Belo. The couple’s wedding date keeps being pushed from August 2011 to March 2012, from March 2012 to indefinitely. She is still afraid in spite of Kho’s changed ways, hence the postponement. Marriage or no marriage though, they remain to be one of showbiz’ sweetest celebrity couples, according to Inside Showbiz magazine.

It takes guts to postpone a wedding. Cold feet is one thing, but unresolved fears that are too big to ease before taking such a big step is another. Trust is less present in the latter. Whatever relationship you’re in, whether for love or business, you should consider why you would want to stay with someone whom you might not trust completely.

When trust makes you tyrannical

Faye and Joseph went into a steady relationship in 2001. Joseph was Faye’s first boyfriend. Joseph had a three-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. This was a huge source of conflict for both. Joseph kept in touch regularly with his ex-girlfriend to discuss their daughter’s needs, much to the dismay of Faye. Jealousy was the initial reason, but it slowly festered to broken trust.

“Syempre kailangan ko naman kausapin yung ex-girlfriend ng anak ko,” Joseph clarifies. “Wala namang romance na nangyayari, pero pinagdududahan niya pa rin ako.” He tried explaining the situation better to Faye. He skipped meetings with daughter to appease Faye. Their relationship began to break down. “I got a woman pregnant out of wedlock, but that was before I met Faye. She couldn’t accept that my ex-girlfriend would be in some way always a part of my life. She’s the mother of my child. Ano ini-expect niya?”

With trust not present in the first place, one can begin to be suspicious of everyone her partner talks to. Joseph remembers that when he decided to stop telling Faye about his daughter, she began becoming even more jealous. “Akala ko pag hindi na lang ako nagkwento, pagtinanggal ko yun transparency, mag-iiba, pero mas lumala pa.” Faye interpreted it as secrecy. Secrecy breeds suspicion. She began being suspicious every time he would take a phone call, and would go through his text messages to check on him. Screaming matches worsened with Faye turning tyrannical.

The relationship ended after a year. “She was threatened by the past, but it’s not fair to me,” Joseph says. “Lahat naman tayo may mga maganda at hindi magandang pinagdaanan. Part na ‘yun ng life mo. Pinagdudahan niya ako dahil sa ginawa ko sa nakaraan, bago pa kami nagkakilala. Nangyari na ‘yon eh. Move on na. Hindi naman parang nakabuntis ako habang kami na.”

In the book “Why Did I Marry You Anyway?” author Barbara Bartlein shares that “Trust is the sum of hundreds of everyday experiences that affect our ability to connect with one another. Little things. Things like keeping promises, showing up on time, not criticizing when angry and refraining from comical mother-in-law imitations at the neighborhood cocktail party. But they are not insignificant, because they affect the ability of you and your spouse to become intimate and operate as soul mates.”

In Faye and Joseph’s case, a lack of trust from one end affected the everyday experiences that could have connected them more with another. While the bigger story here is lack of acceptance, they are linked. Trust and acceptance boosts a couple’s confidence level not only with each other but within themselves.

Tolerance is not trust

Filipinos are seen to be generally forgiving, even too forgiving. Sometimes it’s interpreted as resilience. Sometimes it’s interpreted as hopeful. Forgiveness represents a trust sustained. When is it, however, a blurred line between trust and tolerance? Tolerance is the capacity to endure hardship or pain. Trust is the firm reliance in another’s character. While both are essential in building a strong relationship, these terms can be mistakenly used.

Ike and Josie have been married for 35 years. Theirs is a union of indifference. Ike has cheated on Josie several times over the course of their marriage, most of which Josie was aware of.  They are impatient with each other’s habits, but quietly tolerate each other. “Nag-uusap na lang kami when it comes to household matters and the children,” Josie shares. “Other than that, hindi na kami nagpapansinan.” They stay together and tolerate each other, but the trust has long gone. The trust has withered with each affair, with each screaming match, with each backbiting the other in front of their children. It’s a toxic relationship, but Josie doesn’t know where else to go. “This is also my home,” she shares of their family house in Quezon City. “I don’t know lang what I’ll do when all my children have their own families.”

When a wound begins to fester and the heart begins to bleed, trust is difficult to rebuild. Assumptions can be quietly made until suspicions reign supreme. It is unhealthy. It is unfair. It is a test for any commitment. Broken trust can cause the sturdiest of all relationships to fall, but it can also drive a relationship to be stronger. The difference is in recognizing the cracks as they happen and not allowing them to break open any further.  Mend the cracks as they happen, heal the wounds as they come. This way no decay happens silently. This way no narra tree needs to fall.

Photo: “fallen tree” by slimmer_jimmer, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

Toni Tiu is a freelance writer. For more stories on relationships and matters of the heart, visit her personal blog at Wifelysteps.com.