The Philippine Online Chronicles

Nation, this is truly a time of national pride and celebration. We are number 17 in the world for best places for women. Shamcey Supsup beat Ms. China in Ms. Universe, thereby earning us the Spratlys, and of course, the Philippines may very well have a Guiness World Record for the largest crocodile in captivity, a record we also previously held when former president Joseph Estrada was arrested in 2001.

Today, we find even more cause for joy as our lawmakers do us proud, reminding everyone to fight for what really matters, and to gain what this nation truly needs to achieve first world status in 2020, as envisioned by our beloved former president GMA. Just the other day, the honorable Winnie Castelo, representative of Quezon City's 2nd District, actually proposed a law that will attempt to outlaw planking.

After all, during the protests by PISTON last Monday, students who supported their cause decided to plank as a means of demonstrating their solidarity with the strikers. Clearly, this cannot come to pass. This is a travesty of the highest order, because I believe that children are our future. We need to teach them well and let them lead the way. We need to show them all the beauty they possess inside.

And planking is not the greatest love of all.

We know by now that planking originated from Australia just this year. Knowing that Australia is a nation filled with godless, hairy heathens, then we also realize the inherent dangers of inheriting "culture" from them. One need only look at Crocodile Dundee and Hugh Jackman to prove this disgusting point.

Planking is a fad that has already claimed a life. Lying face-first on any surface one can imagine themselves on is a dangerous pastime that comes not only with inherent risks of falling or being run over by a car, but even spiritual risks.

It is common knowledge that when one lies face-first on the ground, they are in fact paying homage to Hell, thus reminding us of the dangers of the seemingly harmless. Playing dead is a Satanic act, and there is no way that this staunchly God-fearing nation will ever allow Satan any quarter to permeate the psyche of the Patriotic Filipino®. Surely, this work of the devil must be stopped at all costs, and it's great to know that the good gentleman from the second district of Quezon City is doing precisely this.

So we have a snuffed life to show for this senseless pastime: a staggering average of 0.0037594 deaths occur per day since this fad has officially begun. These numbers cannot be ignored, and neither can we ignore the spirit of anarchy, defiance, and Satanic worship that planking encourages. Clearly, any man who planks is in league with the devil himself.

This is a law that needs to be passed right now, what with all the dangers planking presents to the very moral fiber of this nation. While we are wasting time with the RH Bill that purports to address the statistically negligible death of 11 mothers during childbirth in this country alone every single day, 0.0037594 people are dying because of planking all over the world with each passing day. This clear lack of perspective and misalignment of priorities needs to be rectified at all costs.

Surely, the man behind the "Mandatory Lotto Balato Act" has his priorities set straight, and he must be very happy that while this law is bound to make waves in the lower house, the upper house will be in good hands once Senator Planking Drilon passes this measure, and once Senator Sotto successfully quashes the RH Bill once and for all through his eloquence and force of personality. Indeed, the saints of the anti-RH camp could not have prayed for a better person to champion their cause than Tito Sen himself, who has managed to prove, without a doubt, that the RH Bill is "anti-woman."

Nation, the RH Bill is truly a bill that must be stopped, before it tears this nation apart. It continues to divide this country because it is a divisive bill. It causes much controversy amongst the citizenry because it is controversial. It promotes promiscuity because it is a promiscuous measure. It condones immorality because it is an immoral law that should never come to pass. Certainly, there is no debating these facts, because they are undebatable.

There are far more important things for us to focus on than the appropriate healthcare women need that is specifically covered by the RH Bill. It boggles the mind why we waste so much time on what women want when, after hundreds of years of interactions between man and women, we still haven't figured it out, anyways. Who cares what these crazy females want? Surely, that can wait, whereas planking, being a fad, might no longer be in vogue by the time the bill comes to pass if we do not act expediently. Meanwhile, the demonic fad of immorality and promiscuity will not be going away anytime soon for as long as godless heathens continue to promote it by barging in on every tiny detail of P Noy's lovelife every single chance they get.

Ultimately, for each mother that dies in childbirth, it's highly likely that she will be survived by her child, so it all balances out in the end. In contrast, if one planker falls to his death or gets run over, nobody gets to replace that one. This big difference justifies why we need to pass the Anti-Planking Bill but quash the RH Bill once and for all.

Let us preserve the moral fiber that holds this nation together and gives us that glimmer of hope towards first world status in 2020 by fighting for the Anti-Planking Bill and fighting against the RH Bill! Clearly, it takes an exceptional kind of idiot to do otherwise.

Nation, Congressman Winnie Castelo is indeed a man of great moral fortitude. He is fearless and a true soldier of God. Where few dare to tread, he willingly makes a statement that would make God proud to watch over this great nation. Truly, he and Senator Sotto are Patriotic Filipinos worthy of admiration and respect.

They build bridges to a loving God where others build a plank directly to Satan's diabolical arms. For that, we give them our undying support.

Marcelle Fabie (Pronounced "Fa-bee-yay".), who blogs on www.mistervader.com, is a man who embodies the two greatest characteristics of a Patriotic Filipino: he is patriotic, and he is Filipino. As an upstanding individual of strong moral fibre, he puts the "grit" in "journalistic inteGRITy." Hard-hitting, fearless (except when it comes to Rick Astley), and unbelievably opinionated, he stands for truthiness, justice, and the Filipino way. He has a Pulitzer, a Nobel, an Oscar, a Grammy, and five other weirdly-named pet dogs. He is also a notorious satirist.

Photo of Pope John Paul from thePapalVisit.org.uk.Some rights reserved.

Photo of Senator Sotto from Talakayan at Kalusugan. Some rights reserved.